Not Of This Earth

Not Of This Earth

1988

Dir; Jim Wynorski

"The Science Fiction Chiller"

Big boobs are no match for bad aliens.

Every pedophiles favorite porn star, Traci Lords points her ginormous boobies at a "serious" acting career and takes a punt at pretending to be a human being in this Roger Corman re-make. Its neither Lords' nor Corman's finest moment but it certainly has its plus points if you dig big boobies and nonsensical goings on. Not Of This Earth is a pretty typical 1980's Cormon retardo-fest that must have been churned out quicker than a post death Jade Goody documentary. Corman even uses scenes of monsters from some of his other films for the opening credits. Its by far the most enjoyable portion of the film.

Mr Johnson is a mysterious man (read; obvious alien) who goes to a poorly dressed film set to see a doctor. He meets a nurse, Nadine (Traci Lords), and uses crap mind control to convince her to come to work for him. He also offers her $2000 a week so I'm guessing the mind control wasn't really necessary. Nadine moves in with Mr Johnson and her job is to give him a blood transfusion every evening. Also living and working with Mr Johnson is Jeremy, an ex hood whose job description is "bodyguard, chauffeur, chief cook and bottle washer". Nadine and Jeremy exchange stunted, drama school dialogue with one another whilst Jeremy oggles Nadine's bottom.

Mr Johnson is shown to be an alien in a number of unsubtle ways, he doesn't understand a number of human customs, asks why a cop is being so aggressive, and has neon blue eyes which are continuously covered by dark glasses. He sucks blood out of a copulating couple before communicating with his home planet, Davanna, through a blue neon corridor. He plans to study the human race, steal their blood and ultimately, conquer the world. Nadine is having too nice of a time swimming around Mr Johnsons swimming pool in very high waisted bikini bottoms to notice that anything is amiss but Jeremy realizes something is wrong when visitors to the house start disappearing mysteriously.

Jeremy takes Mr Johnson out to pick up three of the sloppiest prostitutes ever committed to celluloid and brings them back to the house. The alien takes them down to the cellar and refuses to let Jeremy have a go on any of them. Once in the cellar, the girls, who look exactly like 3/4 of "look what the cat dragged in" era Poison, complete a striptease for an uninterested Mr Johnson. Two of the girls really throw themselves into it but the third seems to think that a striptease involves lifting up one leg of her short shorts whilst pouting. All three are slaughtered and their blood is stored ready to be sent back to Davanna.

Jeremy shares his suspicions with Nadine so, as any reasonable person would, she takes a sample of Mr Johnsons sputum to a doctor, who is ably assisted by Night Of The Comets' Kelli Maroney. The doctor is so astounded by the test results from the sample that he turns up to a posh restaurant to tell Nadine what he has found whilst she is trying to have a date. He excitedly tells her that Mr Johnson is not human before settling down with the couple and ordering the breaded veal cutlets. Luckily for the progression of the films narrative, Nadine is dating Harry who is a cop. Harry is good at sex because he "practices a lot on his own". Nadine "likes a copper whose pistols are always loaded". Harry agrees to pay Mr Johnson a visit but not before he gets his hands on Nadine's jugs.

Another Alien arrives through the portal. She also clothes her shapely bottom in high waisted bikini bottoms. By this point, there have been so many large breasted women in this movie that even Russ Meyer would have been touching his winkle. Mr Johnson is obviously not very happy to share the earth with another alien because he feeds her rabid blood and sends her out on the town. She bumps into some confused punk rockers who wear mohicans aloft glam rock face makeup. They ask her for "bread" but she claims to not have any "edibles" so they attack her just as the rabid blood kicks in. She slaughters the lot of them before chasing a random woman through dry ice. It must have been a cold night of filming because the woman's pokies penetrate her knitwear. The alien stabs the woman before randomly turning up at the doctors office just in time to collapse and die. Her eyes are missing so the Dr wants to call for an Ophthalmologist which would surely be a pointless exercise. Instead they call a now empty-balled Harry.

The alien woman is wearing one of Nadine's "one of a kind dresses" so Harry quickly links her with Mr Johnson. He goes looking for the alien who at this point is busy trying to send Nadine back to his home planet through the portal. Jeremy shouts "hey Klingon" and a budget car chase ensues in which the cars only hit items which are clearly not going to damage their paintwork (plastic cones, fake garbage cans etc). Mr Johnson appears to be invincible but, luckily for the plot, we learn that he doesn't like high pitched noises. Harry turns on his police siren causing the alien bastard to drive off a bridge to his death. His gravestone subtly reads "Here lies a man who was not of this Earth"... Imagine finding that out of context.

This movie is a pretty decent way to spend 80 minutes, there's no doubt that if you're a fan of Ms Lords you're sure to have a lovely time looking at her. Innumerous huge sagging boobs abound throughout which serve their purpose of making Traci Lords slightly less sagging boobs the star of the show. For the soundtrack, Mr Corman obviously just decided to press the "sci-fi" button on his casio before plink plonking out a couple of notes and smothering the whole thing in reverb. Hell, even the sound of a dog barking is smothered in so much reverb it sounds like its coming from a distant galaxy. The theme tune is a fairly effective, if overly upbeat, 8-bit tune that sounds like its coming out of a Game Boy's tiny speakers. How the hell did they manage to release a soundtrack album for this movie?

The credits provide an abundance of joy. Ace Mask (Chopping Maul, Ghoulies 4) plays the doctor and has the greatest name I have ever heard. They claim that "Mr Motivation" plays "himself". Did I miss something? They also thank Madame Zolta for playing the role of Reader/Advisor. Is this a joke? They couldn't even hire someone to competently edit this thing and yet they hired a fucking psychic? I wonder if she needed two crystal balls for this one. One for each boob.