No Holds Barred

No Holds Barred

1989

Dir; Thomas J Wright

"No Ring. No Ref. No Rules"

The Hulkster try's to do an impression of himself being really cool and nice and stuff.

Hulk Hogan, the biggest usurper of autistic merchandise collectors disability living allowance since Kiss, stars in professional wrestling's ultra glossy, ultra brainless answer to the Rocky films. Hogan plays Rip, the worlds most popular professional wrestler and world champion who puts family first, gives money to charity and spends his time giving young children pep talks about being the best. Even when wearing casual clothes Rip's arms are eternally oiled. He's a bit like Hulk Hogan but without the steroid abuse, extra-marital affairs, homemade sex tapes and inflated ego.

Brell (Kurt Fuller) is an evil television executive who wants to sign Rip to a contract because his channel, World Television Network, just can't compete with Rip's ratings. He invites our hero to a meeting and offers him a blank check if he signs with his network. Rip is far too moral and upstanding to break his current contract so he shoves the cheque right down Brells throat. In response, Brell tries to kidnap Rip by driving his limo to a deserted farmhouse and giving him some hoods to beat up for a little while. Rip destroys the inside of the limo before literally exploding out of the roof just in time for some super positive Bon Jovi-esque soft rock to kick in. The more the hoods punch him the more dramatic Rip's gurn becomes. He does some vocal impressions of an angry rottweiler before beating them all up. Once he's finished with the hoods he drags the limo driver out of the car but doesn't pound him because he has pissed himself. He asks him what the smell is and the driver starts blubbering and repeating "coo-key, coo-key". Which I guess the script writers thought meant "piss" in hipster talk.

Brell sends in Samantha (Joan Severence) a sexy undercover marketing executive to keep an eye on Rip. He is not interested in her ideas about capitalism because he just wants to do some charity work. They go for a meal in a posh restaurant and Rip wears an entirely white suit which blends seamlessly with his hair colour.

Meanwhile Brell and his evil team of television executives (the least convincing job titles for baddies I've ever heard) go to the worlds craziest biker bar to find a suitable substitute for Rip. This place has everything; A smart assed midget in a cage, a VD room in the men's toilet, fat men in dungarees head butting each other, a "no hippies" sign on the wall, a tattoo artist working away and a bar maid who hocks up loogies. Watching the carnage, Brell comes up with the idea for a new show called "Battle Of The Tough Guys", a no holds barred wrestling competition set in this very bar with a $100,000 prize. During the first episode of the show a rather scary looking Zeus (Tommy 'Tiny' Lister) smashes through a wall, smothers the place in dry ice and picks a bar maid up by her face. He then enters the competition and wins comfortably. Zeus has a Z shaved into his head, one long eyebrow and a lazy eye. Brell figures he has found his new star.

Rip watches the show from his dull suburban pad before going on a publicity trip with Samantha. He saves the customers in a restaurant from a hold up by throwing pies at the assailants. He doesn't try to grope Samantha despite having to sleep in a double bed with her, he chooses to do press ups wearing nothing but a tiny pair of orange knickers instead. Possibly because of the above, Samantha starts to fall for his minimal charms. She decides that she can no longer double cross him because he's "such a nice guy" and tells Brell to take a hike. Brell slaps her and leaves her bruised.

When Rip see's the bruise he pulls a bemused face for what seems like an eternity before breaking the tension by initiating an impromptu tickle fight. This is interrupted when Rip overhears a television broadcast in which Zeus makes a challenge for the title. Instead of facing the challenge, Rip decides to attend a children's sports day in which he encourages and hugs various races of children. Again he is interrupted by Zeus who shows up in a helicopter which has been strangely adorned with a rainbow flag. Zeus slow motions his way over to Rip and has a stare down with our hero. Rip's stare down technique looks as if he's suffered a Bells Palsy.

Not satisfied with the helicopter stunt, Brell decides to send a goon to kidnap Samantha in a car park. Just as the dastardly act is taking place Rip arrives driving a Harley Davidson with a "Rip Em" number plate. He runs the goon over before throwing him into a tree with the immortal line "party with you and me, in a tree"... Hulkster poetry. Rip's thus far characterless little brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino) decides to go and see one of Zeus' fights which is inexplicably taking place in an iron work factory. Zeus strangles Randy and leaves him in the hospital. When Rip finds out what has happened he goes into a 'roid rage at Zeus' gym and accepts his challenge. Following the outburst, he goes to the hospital to check on his brother. In this scene, Hogan manages some very believable eye tears which are so out of context with the rest of his wooden performance that it is actually quite moving.

Strangely, the inevitable pre-fight training montages are kept to a bare minimum. Zeus has a brief gym montage in which he punches breeze blocks and tenses his large muscle sacks. Hogan's montage forgoes any training footage and instead shows him putting his brother in a bath and lovingly encouraging him to walk.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you the rest of the tale. The two square off in the big match. Brell kidnaps Samantha and tries to get Rip to throw the fight. Zeus starts the stronger but with a little crowd encouragement and a lot of heart Rip manages to fight back and win the day. The movie finishes with Brell getting electrocuted followed by a freeze frame of Rip hugging his brother and giving us all the thumbs up.

As a kids film I actually think this movie is pretty effective. I certainly thought so when my Dad got it out of the video shop for me in 1990. However, the main problem with the film is Hogans half assed performance. Here he is asked to play a loveable, caring character with a strong moral compass. Unfortunately Hogan is so obviously such a massive prick that he would have had to be an amazing actor to make us believe in him. He is not an amazing actor. He is the acting equivalent of a brain injury.

There are some enjoyable performances from Kurt Fuller and Tommy Lister and some of the fight scenes are fairly effective if massively overblown but overall the film suffers from being a vanity project for a man and furthermore an industry which is the epitome of egotistical nonsense. The film was obviously churned out to capitalize on Hogan's undoubted popularity at the time but he put such miniscule effort into learning how to work in front of a camera that his performance is absolutely laughable and doesn't come close to living up to his hype. Hogan would improve slightly for later films such as Suburban Commando and Mr Nanny but the guy was never going to win any Oscars lets be honest.