Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time

Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time

1991

Dir; Sylvio Tabet

"An awesome hero. An invincible villain. Time travel to a distant world. Its gonna be a wild weekend."

Dar, son of Zed, brother of Arklon, great warrior and ruler of beasts ventures to the distant land of LA and learns about ROCK N ROLL DUDE!

This movie has been panned continuously by critics and fans of the original Beastmaster for moving so far away from the original films straight sword and sorcery subject matter and relocating its hero to modern day LA. To be honest, I hate sword and sorcery movies, (if it ain't got Arnold in it, it ain't my type of joint), and so I love this movie for all the same reasons that most people seem to hate it so much. Don't get me wrong, I like oiled up muscular men in loin cloths as much as anybody else but I usually find these types of movies a real slog to get through. Not so when the loin clothed muscle man in question is riding around in a Porsche and calling everyone he sees an asshole!

The muscle man in question is Dar, The Beastmaster (Mark Singer), he appears to be wearing Sarah Jessica Parker's face on top of a pro wrestlers body. He is a very strange beast indeed. For the first half an hour or so of this movie he mucks about in a fantasy land, fighting against his brother, the evil Lord Arklon (Wings Hauser). As in the original, Dar is able to control animals, not through mind power or training but through friendship. His best friends are a pair of ferrets and a tiger who helps him get out of numerous jams and pickles. Dar meets a shit monster in the woods who tells him that he needs to battle his older brother in order to save the world or something.

Evil brother Arklon has hooked up with Lyranna, a witch who can open a portal to a mystical land called LA. She calls Arklon "honey" and tells him to "chill out". When someone gets shot by an arrow she exclaims " well, I guess he got the point". What I'm trying to say here is that she's a lot of fun. Arklon learns that LA is home to a neutron bomb which he believes will make him the most powerful man in the whole kingdom so he forces Lyranna to open the portal so that he can go through. Once the portal is open, Jackie, (Kari Wuhrer), an eccentric, badly behaved valley girl whose father is a senator and who is coming down off a 5-6 day bender (who can keep count when their off their nuts??), is going to drive through the portal in her Porsche. The fantasy gang naturally try to capture her but she escapes in her hot ride. Unfortunately, once safely driving away, her car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. She has no choice but to camp out with only her snazzy jean jacket for warmth.

Jackie wakes up to the sight of a Dar's tiger friend standing over her. She thinks Dar must be "one of those crazy bikers with the crossbows". This is despite the fact that he has neither a bike nor a crossbow and that these bikers don't exist anywhere in the universe. The culture shock is less extreme than one might expect. Its limited to the fact that Dar has never heard of 7-11 and Jackie doesn't know what a ferret is. Dar gives Jackie roots to eat but she wants to hold out for the salad bar. When "lost hounds" start stalking the pair, Dar describes them as creatures that suck peoples souls into the abyss, Jackie comments that "they sound like two guys I met in Tujana last night". Dirty slut.

Lord Arklon's warriors soon track down and kidnap Jackie. She describes them as "geeks" before getting taken back to the portal. Lyranna finds Jackie appealing but considers her new wave 80's denim chiq a bit dull. Jackie thinks the portal is "way rad" and assures Arklon that she will buy him a neutron bomb from the local K-Mart. The three of them jump back through the portal to LA with Dar hot on their heels. A dude with a ghetto blaster has such a surprised reaction to Arklon's games workshop fashion sense that Jackie suggests he get some "fresh threads". They go to a department store which is being run by the campest, french-est stereotype you are ever likely to find in a movie. He is like Serge from the Beverly Hills Cop movies but on some really gay speed. The stereotype and Arklon bond over their common interest in "sacrificing virgins" and stress management. Lyranna loves the cool 80's fashions and dolls herself up in a rather garish neon blue sequined evening dress. Arklon comes away with a ginormous green suit jacket which, if anything, makes him look even more conspicuous.

Whilst our evil friends are trying their new duds on in the changing rooms, Jackie escapes and runs home to her fathers mansion. She quickly.hooks back up with Dar by springing him out of police custody as he had been arrested by the Fresh Prince of Bel Air's fat uncle. The pair of them go for a drive. Dar doesn't like the "carriage that moves without horsepower" but he seems over joyed when taught the word "asshole" which he happily shouts repeatedly. Rock n roll reminds Dar of an earthquake but he seems to warm to Jackie's lacey sub-Pat Benetar tunes (the song they're listening to is actually performed by Kari Wuhrer herself). Whilst they're driving around the LA streets they pass a cinema which is advertising "Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time" on its billboard. Dar appears bemused by all this post modernism.

Meanwhile, Arklon has made friends with a drunk soldier in a strip club. He beats him up and steals all his knowledge along with "the secrets of the world" by looking at him and widening his eyes a little. He also steals his outfit. He heads straight to the local army base and breaks in using all this knowledge he has apparently stolen. He nabs a neutron bomb and escapes, dispatching of Lyranna once he has no more use for her. She is so pissed off that she tells him she hopes tarantulas grow in his mouth. The bomb looks oddly similar to a large paint tin. It is set to explode in thirty minutes so the police join forces with the army to try to find it. The army's senior bomb expert is clearly in the early stages of dementia, he just continually repeats the phrase "ca-blooey" to the bemused police officers.

Arklon tries to get back through the portal with the bomb, Dar stops him and the pair head for the city zoo. This is surely a stupid place to go if you're preparing for a fight with a man who can control animals. There is a showdown between the two brothers in the zoo's arena. For reasons best left unexplored Jackie runs to the control booth of the arena and turns on an automated light show and oral presentation. I understand that from a film making point of view the light show might of added a bit of atmospherics to the proceedings but watching two warriors fight whilst a commentator says things like "watch them frollick together" and "lets see if we can make them kiss" made the fight a bit of an anti climax. This anti-climax was heightened as Dar didn't use any of the zoo animals to help him despite the film being about a man who can control animals. Luckily this anti climax is quickly forgotten when Dar stands over the pit of fire he has just thrown Arklon into and says "asshole". The dementing bomb expert pops back up and manages to reset the neutron bomb with one second left on the clock, he continues with the "cablooey" nonsense throughout.

His mission complete and his brother slain, Dar returns to the portal and heads home to his crappy fantasy world but not before sucking face with Jackie and giving her his ferrets as a gift. One of the ferrets kisses Dar's eagle goodbye. Once back, Dar runs into Michael Berryman who, along with a number of other pilgrims, have started to worship the broken down porsche that Jackie left in their world. As Dar looks on, one of the pilgrims accidentally hits play on the stereo and before you know it the pilgrims are worshiping rock n roll instead, gently swaying with hands aloft as mid-tempo riff-age pukes its way out of the speakers.

As I said, I far prefer this movie to the original for all the wrong reasons but I would suggest that all of those who have written this off because of the differences between it and its predecessor should give it another chance. Its a good ride of a movie and never gets dull. Director, Tabet, had served as producer on the first movie and would go on to be involved with both Beastmaster 3 and a really shit Beastmaster TV series which will make you vomit so don't even go there. All the other entries to this series stick closely to the fantasy genre but I genuinely think that this one offers something a bit more interesting, if entirely unnecessary.

Also, one thing that I didn't mention was that this movie has THE shortest cop I have ever seen. I appreciate that this isn't much of a recommendation but the character of Bendowski, played by Robert Fieldsteel, (future "star" of 9 1/2 ninjas) cuts a hilarious figure every time he pops up on screen. This guys is literally two feet shorter than everybody around him and yet there is no reference to it, his character is a pretty run of the mill detective, even a little tough at times. Why did no one think this would look anything other than bizarre? The poor little bugger is dressed up in a comedy bow tie and fluff mustache ensemble and is even made to act most of his scenes next to man mountain, James Avery (Fresh Prince Of Bel Air). For god sakes, get the guy a fucking box to stand on.