License To Drive

License To Drive

1988

Dir; Greg Beeman

"Some Guys Get All The Brakes"

One Corey drives the other Corey around in his grandfathers car for a bit.

"Its a long complicated story" is how the main character describes the plot of this movie in one of License to Drive's final scenes. This is not true. Boy fails his driving test. Boy takes Dad's car anyway so that he can impress a girl. Car gets smashed up. No hilarity ensues. Throw in a passed out Heather Graham getting her boobs photographed against her will by Corey Feldman and you've got yourself a really shit movie!

License To Drive stars both Coreys, Haim and Feldman respectively, who were both huge stars at the time and also weird Hollywoodized best chums. Here they underact each other to terrible effect. Future Corpse, Corey Haim plays Les (who the hell calls a teenage character Les?), a tedious, over confident ass monkey who has life really hard because he has to put up with the school bus and his parents incessant lift giving. He needs his own ride, but first he needs a driving license. Unfortunately his amazingly confident attitude is not backed up by any skill or ability so he fails his driving test (could this be a metaphor for both Corey's actual lives? Well done Mr Beeman... Here, have some regular TV work). This does not leave him with much chance of dry humping the girl of his dreams because guys without wheels are lame-o dude.

Les' best friend, Dean, unabley portrayed by Corey Feldman, is possibly an even bigger douche than his best bud. He calls a geek a "spasticated idiot" and refuses to take off his Blues Brothers Sunglasses indoors. Feldman appears to have accidentally gone half-retard for his portrayal of Dean, who, I'm pretty sure was written to be played straight. He must have figured that Rain Man was actually being portrayed as a cool leading man and decided to steal Tom Cruise's best moves. The only thankful thing about Dean is that he has surprisingly little screen time for the first half of the movie. 

Sadly, the same can not be said of the other Corey brother who is all over this hunk of Hollywood pant dirt. He goes for a drive with his embarrassing father (Richard Masur), spots Heather Graham and gets a hard-on. He pleads with his Dad to let him drive the car and manages to talk hm into letting him give her a lift. He does a weird half jump, half body pop round the back of the car to celebrate whilst his Dad watches proudly from across the street. He drives her home and arranges a date. She seems impressed despite the fact that the cool new ride has a personalized number plate that reads "GRANDPA".

Dean belches loudly into an intercom to impress Les' sister.

Every sentence uttered by every character in this film seems to refer to driving in some way. The girl Les wants to stink finger is named Mercedes for christ sake! Les lies to his friends and parents and tells them he has passed his test so that he can arrange a date with Mercedes, unfortunately for him Mum and Dad discover the ruse before he leaves and ground him for his deception. Les has already spent time making mix tapes for the journey called "Mercedes Date - Fast Songs" and "Mercedes Date - Make Out Songs" and he is not about to let all that hard work go to waste so he waits until his heavily pregnant mother and heavily moustachioed father are asleep and then sneaks out with the car.

He takes Mercedes to a hipster synth club where she meets up with her ex boyfriend, another sleazy grease ball who shows further evidence of the fact that Mercedes has a really bad taste in men. Maybe that was a clever ploy by the film makers to make the audience believe that she would be willing to stoop to the low standards of Corey Haim's girl arms. The sleaze ball has found a new woman which doesn't sit well with Mercedes who proceeds to get drunk on Champagne. Time is burnt with twists that don't go anywhere (the car is towed, then it isn't towed, They go to a make out spot but Les doesn't get so much as a hand job, Mercedes dances on the car and ruins the paintwork, then its fixed, the car skids all over the road but luckily stops in a parking space etc). They pick up Dean and one of his geeky friends. Respectfully, when Mercedes passes out from the booze the gang decide to put her in the boot for safe keeping.

Luckily for the viewer, a drunk man briefly steals both the car and the movie in one fell swoop. As he's driving away with Corey's wheels, he lines up shots on the dash board. He attempts to steer whilst cutting up a lime to garnish his drink with before falling asleep at the wheel and smashing up the Les-mobile. Morning arrives and Les gets the car home. His father is so mad that he threatens to take away his baseball mit as punishment. There's no time for this harsh act, however, because Les' mum is about to shit out another Haim brother (just what the world fucking needs). Les uses the skills he has picked up during a night of illegal joyriding to reverse his mum all the way to the hospital (forward drive is "broken"). In the process he almost runs over a waiter with a lovely five o-clock shadow. Why doesn't someone with a license drive her? His fucking Dad is in the back seat! Well hell, then the film wouldn't have a redemptive happy ending would it, smart ass.

In all fairness, this film is probably exactly what you would expect from a nonsensical 80's mainstream two Corey's vehicle (shit I've started with the car references myself now) so its difficult to complain too much about its content. However, this movie really has very little to offer. Its as if the film makers thought that a couple of half assed car chases and a jail bait Heather Graham wearing various porn starlet outfits was going to be enough to keep our attention for 90 minutes. It didn't work. The film is topped off by a horrible soundtrack filled with mid-paced throwaway bore-jams including a final scene fade out to "Get Out Of My Dreams (And Into My Car)" by corporate race traitor, Billy Ocean. The worst crime against music opens the film however, as a band called the Breakfast Club (seriously?) perform a cover of "Baby, You Can Drive My Car" which is so bad it would even make Paul McCartney blush and he's the worlds most shameless man. Oh, and yes, even all the songs in this movie refer to cars, (we get Jane Weidlins "Rush Hour" too so its not all bad) otherwise how would the viewer remember what this fucking mess is all about?

Its sad to think that by 1988 both of these, still teenage, stars were already showing signs of what was to come in their futures, ie. addiction and obscurity. Both of them vomit out dead eyed, half assed performances that should have put them both to shame. Haim, who is undoubtedly the star here, seems to have two acting moves; the open mouthed, overly dramatic chewing gum chew and a strange happy smile followed by too cool to smile bemusement face (see the scene in the Lost Boys where his brother suggests his Grandpa smokes weed for an explosion of this move). Neither of these are effective. Luckily Haim's greatest moments were not entirely behind him as two years later he would put a great deal more effort into his starring role in the excellent, "Prayer Of The Rollerboys" before his life and career really disintegrated.

Feldman, on the other hand, was as good as finished. He would have a small part in Joe Dante's "the Burbs" the following year (great film but his performance stank of alcoholism and despair) but otherwise Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and obscurity were all that could be seen in his future. The pair of them teamed up again in 1989 for the terrible "Dream A Little Dream" and more recently (and far more depressingly) for a reality TV series. By the time this TV show was made both had been through various combinations of addiction, failed German-based pop careers, shit movie choices, no movie options, internet hair selling, mental illness, Jason Stratham vehicles and terrible Lost Boys sequels. Any future plans for them were cut short by Haim's premature death in 2010. As sad as his death is, the upshot was that it halted plans to produce a sequel to License to Drive called License to Fly in which the Corey's would reunite for more hilarity, this time piloting a plane. Who's fucking idea was that? Two crack faced 40 year old's learn to fly a plane? Is Hollywood that desperate?

Yes.

Not Of This Earth

Not Of This Earth

1988

Dir; Jim Wynorski

"The Science Fiction Chiller"

Big boobs are no match for bad aliens.

Every pedophiles favorite porn star, Traci Lords points her ginormous boobies at a "serious" acting career and takes a punt at pretending to be a human being in this Roger Corman re-make. Its neither Lords' nor Corman's finest moment but it certainly has its plus points if you dig big boobies and nonsensical goings on. Not Of This Earth is a pretty typical 1980's Cormon retardo-fest that must have been churned out quicker than a post death Jade Goody documentary. Corman even uses scenes of monsters from some of his other films for the opening credits. Its by far the most enjoyable portion of the film.

Mr Johnson is a mysterious man (read; obvious alien) who goes to a poorly dressed film set to see a doctor. He meets a nurse, Nadine (Traci Lords), and uses crap mind control to convince her to come to work for him. He also offers her $2000 a week so I'm guessing the mind control wasn't really necessary. Nadine moves in with Mr Johnson and her job is to give him a blood transfusion every evening. Also living and working with Mr Johnson is Jeremy, an ex hood whose job description is "bodyguard, chauffeur, chief cook and bottle washer". Nadine and Jeremy exchange stunted, drama school dialogue with one another whilst Jeremy oggles Nadine's bottom.

Mr Johnson is shown to be an alien in a number of unsubtle ways, he doesn't understand a number of human customs, asks why a cop is being so aggressive, and has neon blue eyes which are continuously covered by dark glasses. He sucks blood out of a copulating couple before communicating with his home planet, Davanna, through a blue neon corridor. He plans to study the human race, steal their blood and ultimately, conquer the world. Nadine is having too nice of a time swimming around Mr Johnsons swimming pool in very high waisted bikini bottoms to notice that anything is amiss but Jeremy realizes something is wrong when visitors to the house start disappearing mysteriously.

Jeremy takes Mr Johnson out to pick up three of the sloppiest prostitutes ever committed to celluloid and brings them back to the house. The alien takes them down to the cellar and refuses to let Jeremy have a go on any of them. Once in the cellar, the girls, who look exactly like 3/4 of "look what the cat dragged in" era Poison, complete a striptease for an uninterested Mr Johnson. Two of the girls really throw themselves into it but the third seems to think that a striptease involves lifting up one leg of her short shorts whilst pouting. All three are slaughtered and their blood is stored ready to be sent back to Davanna.

Jeremy shares his suspicions with Nadine so, as any reasonable person would, she takes a sample of Mr Johnsons sputum to a doctor, who is ably assisted by Night Of The Comets' Kelli Maroney. The doctor is so astounded by the test results from the sample that he turns up to a posh restaurant to tell Nadine what he has found whilst she is trying to have a date. He excitedly tells her that Mr Johnson is not human before settling down with the couple and ordering the breaded veal cutlets. Luckily for the progression of the films narrative, Nadine is dating Harry who is a cop. Harry is good at sex because he "practices a lot on his own". Nadine "likes a copper whose pistols are always loaded". Harry agrees to pay Mr Johnson a visit but not before he gets his hands on Nadine's jugs.

Another Alien arrives through the portal. She also clothes her shapely bottom in high waisted bikini bottoms. By this point, there have been so many large breasted women in this movie that even Russ Meyer would have been touching his winkle. Mr Johnson is obviously not very happy to share the earth with another alien because he feeds her rabid blood and sends her out on the town. She bumps into some confused punk rockers who wear mohicans aloft glam rock face makeup. They ask her for "bread" but she claims to not have any "edibles" so they attack her just as the rabid blood kicks in. She slaughters the lot of them before chasing a random woman through dry ice. It must have been a cold night of filming because the woman's pokies penetrate her knitwear. The alien stabs the woman before randomly turning up at the doctors office just in time to collapse and die. Her eyes are missing so the Dr wants to call for an Ophthalmologist which would surely be a pointless exercise. Instead they call a now empty-balled Harry.

The alien woman is wearing one of Nadine's "one of a kind dresses" so Harry quickly links her with Mr Johnson. He goes looking for the alien who at this point is busy trying to send Nadine back to his home planet through the portal. Jeremy shouts "hey Klingon" and a budget car chase ensues in which the cars only hit items which are clearly not going to damage their paintwork (plastic cones, fake garbage cans etc). Mr Johnson appears to be invincible but, luckily for the plot, we learn that he doesn't like high pitched noises. Harry turns on his police siren causing the alien bastard to drive off a bridge to his death. His gravestone subtly reads "Here lies a man who was not of this Earth"... Imagine finding that out of context.

This movie is a pretty decent way to spend 80 minutes, there's no doubt that if you're a fan of Ms Lords you're sure to have a lovely time looking at her. Innumerous huge sagging boobs abound throughout which serve their purpose of making Traci Lords slightly less sagging boobs the star of the show. For the soundtrack, Mr Corman obviously just decided to press the "sci-fi" button on his casio before plink plonking out a couple of notes and smothering the whole thing in reverb. Hell, even the sound of a dog barking is smothered in so much reverb it sounds like its coming from a distant galaxy. The theme tune is a fairly effective, if overly upbeat, 8-bit tune that sounds like its coming out of a Game Boy's tiny speakers. How the hell did they manage to release a soundtrack album for this movie?

The credits provide an abundance of joy. Ace Mask (Chopping Maul, Ghoulies 4) plays the doctor and has the greatest name I have ever heard. They claim that "Mr Motivation" plays "himself". Did I miss something? They also thank Madame Zolta for playing the role of Reader/Advisor. Is this a joke? They couldn't even hire someone to competently edit this thing and yet they hired a fucking psychic? I wonder if she needed two crystal balls for this one. One for each boob.

No Holds Barred

No Holds Barred

1989

Dir; Thomas J Wright

"No Ring. No Ref. No Rules"

The Hulkster try's to do an impression of himself being really cool and nice and stuff.

Hulk Hogan, the biggest usurper of autistic merchandise collectors disability living allowance since Kiss, stars in professional wrestling's ultra glossy, ultra brainless answer to the Rocky films. Hogan plays Rip, the worlds most popular professional wrestler and world champion who puts family first, gives money to charity and spends his time giving young children pep talks about being the best. Even when wearing casual clothes Rip's arms are eternally oiled. He's a bit like Hulk Hogan but without the steroid abuse, extra-marital affairs, homemade sex tapes and inflated ego.

Brell (Kurt Fuller) is an evil television executive who wants to sign Rip to a contract because his channel, World Television Network, just can't compete with Rip's ratings. He invites our hero to a meeting and offers him a blank check if he signs with his network. Rip is far too moral and upstanding to break his current contract so he shoves the cheque right down Brells throat. In response, Brell tries to kidnap Rip by driving his limo to a deserted farmhouse and giving him some hoods to beat up for a little while. Rip destroys the inside of the limo before literally exploding out of the roof just in time for some super positive Bon Jovi-esque soft rock to kick in. The more the hoods punch him the more dramatic Rip's gurn becomes. He does some vocal impressions of an angry rottweiler before beating them all up. Once he's finished with the hoods he drags the limo driver out of the car but doesn't pound him because he has pissed himself. He asks him what the smell is and the driver starts blubbering and repeating "coo-key, coo-key". Which I guess the script writers thought meant "piss" in hipster talk.

Brell sends in Samantha (Joan Severence) a sexy undercover marketing executive to keep an eye on Rip. He is not interested in her ideas about capitalism because he just wants to do some charity work. They go for a meal in a posh restaurant and Rip wears an entirely white suit which blends seamlessly with his hair colour.

Meanwhile Brell and his evil team of television executives (the least convincing job titles for baddies I've ever heard) go to the worlds craziest biker bar to find a suitable substitute for Rip. This place has everything; A smart assed midget in a cage, a VD room in the men's toilet, fat men in dungarees head butting each other, a "no hippies" sign on the wall, a tattoo artist working away and a bar maid who hocks up loogies. Watching the carnage, Brell comes up with the idea for a new show called "Battle Of The Tough Guys", a no holds barred wrestling competition set in this very bar with a $100,000 prize. During the first episode of the show a rather scary looking Zeus (Tommy 'Tiny' Lister) smashes through a wall, smothers the place in dry ice and picks a bar maid up by her face. He then enters the competition and wins comfortably. Zeus has a Z shaved into his head, one long eyebrow and a lazy eye. Brell figures he has found his new star.

Rip watches the show from his dull suburban pad before going on a publicity trip with Samantha. He saves the customers in a restaurant from a hold up by throwing pies at the assailants. He doesn't try to grope Samantha despite having to sleep in a double bed with her, he chooses to do press ups wearing nothing but a tiny pair of orange knickers instead. Possibly because of the above, Samantha starts to fall for his minimal charms. She decides that she can no longer double cross him because he's "such a nice guy" and tells Brell to take a hike. Brell slaps her and leaves her bruised.

When Rip see's the bruise he pulls a bemused face for what seems like an eternity before breaking the tension by initiating an impromptu tickle fight. This is interrupted when Rip overhears a television broadcast in which Zeus makes a challenge for the title. Instead of facing the challenge, Rip decides to attend a children's sports day in which he encourages and hugs various races of children. Again he is interrupted by Zeus who shows up in a helicopter which has been strangely adorned with a rainbow flag. Zeus slow motions his way over to Rip and has a stare down with our hero. Rip's stare down technique looks as if he's suffered a Bells Palsy.

Not satisfied with the helicopter stunt, Brell decides to send a goon to kidnap Samantha in a car park. Just as the dastardly act is taking place Rip arrives driving a Harley Davidson with a "Rip Em" number plate. He runs the goon over before throwing him into a tree with the immortal line "party with you and me, in a tree"... Hulkster poetry. Rip's thus far characterless little brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino) decides to go and see one of Zeus' fights which is inexplicably taking place in an iron work factory. Zeus strangles Randy and leaves him in the hospital. When Rip finds out what has happened he goes into a 'roid rage at Zeus' gym and accepts his challenge. Following the outburst, he goes to the hospital to check on his brother. In this scene, Hogan manages some very believable eye tears which are so out of context with the rest of his wooden performance that it is actually quite moving.

Strangely, the inevitable pre-fight training montages are kept to a bare minimum. Zeus has a brief gym montage in which he punches breeze blocks and tenses his large muscle sacks. Hogan's montage forgoes any training footage and instead shows him putting his brother in a bath and lovingly encouraging him to walk.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you the rest of the tale. The two square off in the big match. Brell kidnaps Samantha and tries to get Rip to throw the fight. Zeus starts the stronger but with a little crowd encouragement and a lot of heart Rip manages to fight back and win the day. The movie finishes with Brell getting electrocuted followed by a freeze frame of Rip hugging his brother and giving us all the thumbs up.

As a kids film I actually think this movie is pretty effective. I certainly thought so when my Dad got it out of the video shop for me in 1990. However, the main problem with the film is Hogans half assed performance. Here he is asked to play a loveable, caring character with a strong moral compass. Unfortunately Hogan is so obviously such a massive prick that he would have had to be an amazing actor to make us believe in him. He is not an amazing actor. He is the acting equivalent of a brain injury.

There are some enjoyable performances from Kurt Fuller and Tommy Lister and some of the fight scenes are fairly effective if massively overblown but overall the film suffers from being a vanity project for a man and furthermore an industry which is the epitome of egotistical nonsense. The film was obviously churned out to capitalize on Hogan's undoubted popularity at the time but he put such miniscule effort into learning how to work in front of a camera that his performance is absolutely laughable and doesn't come close to living up to his hype. Hogan would improve slightly for later films such as Suburban Commando and Mr Nanny but the guy was never going to win any Oscars lets be honest.