Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time

Beastmaster 2: Through The Portal Of Time

1991

Dir; Sylvio Tabet

"An awesome hero. An invincible villain. Time travel to a distant world. Its gonna be a wild weekend."

Dar, son of Zed, brother of Arklon, great warrior and ruler of beasts ventures to the distant land of LA and learns about ROCK N ROLL DUDE!

This movie has been panned continuously by critics and fans of the original Beastmaster for moving so far away from the original films straight sword and sorcery subject matter and relocating its hero to modern day LA. To be honest, I hate sword and sorcery movies, (if it ain't got Arnold in it, it ain't my type of joint), and so I love this movie for all the same reasons that most people seem to hate it so much. Don't get me wrong, I like oiled up muscular men in loin cloths as much as anybody else but I usually find these types of movies a real slog to get through. Not so when the loin clothed muscle man in question is riding around in a Porsche and calling everyone he sees an asshole!

The muscle man in question is Dar, The Beastmaster (Mark Singer), he appears to be wearing Sarah Jessica Parker's face on top of a pro wrestlers body. He is a very strange beast indeed. For the first half an hour or so of this movie he mucks about in a fantasy land, fighting against his brother, the evil Lord Arklon (Wings Hauser). As in the original, Dar is able to control animals, not through mind power or training but through friendship. His best friends are a pair of ferrets and a tiger who helps him get out of numerous jams and pickles. Dar meets a shit monster in the woods who tells him that he needs to battle his older brother in order to save the world or something.

Evil brother Arklon has hooked up with Lyranna, a witch who can open a portal to a mystical land called LA. She calls Arklon "honey" and tells him to "chill out". When someone gets shot by an arrow she exclaims " well, I guess he got the point". What I'm trying to say here is that she's a lot of fun. Arklon learns that LA is home to a neutron bomb which he believes will make him the most powerful man in the whole kingdom so he forces Lyranna to open the portal so that he can go through. Once the portal is open, Jackie, (Kari Wuhrer), an eccentric, badly behaved valley girl whose father is a senator and who is coming down off a 5-6 day bender (who can keep count when their off their nuts??), is going to drive through the portal in her Porsche. The fantasy gang naturally try to capture her but she escapes in her hot ride. Unfortunately, once safely driving away, her car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. She has no choice but to camp out with only her snazzy jean jacket for warmth.

Jackie wakes up to the sight of a Dar's tiger friend standing over her. She thinks Dar must be "one of those crazy bikers with the crossbows". This is despite the fact that he has neither a bike nor a crossbow and that these bikers don't exist anywhere in the universe. The culture shock is less extreme than one might expect. Its limited to the fact that Dar has never heard of 7-11 and Jackie doesn't know what a ferret is. Dar gives Jackie roots to eat but she wants to hold out for the salad bar. When "lost hounds" start stalking the pair, Dar describes them as creatures that suck peoples souls into the abyss, Jackie comments that "they sound like two guys I met in Tujana last night". Dirty slut.

Lord Arklon's warriors soon track down and kidnap Jackie. She describes them as "geeks" before getting taken back to the portal. Lyranna finds Jackie appealing but considers her new wave 80's denim chiq a bit dull. Jackie thinks the portal is "way rad" and assures Arklon that she will buy him a neutron bomb from the local K-Mart. The three of them jump back through the portal to LA with Dar hot on their heels. A dude with a ghetto blaster has such a surprised reaction to Arklon's games workshop fashion sense that Jackie suggests he get some "fresh threads". They go to a department store which is being run by the campest, french-est stereotype you are ever likely to find in a movie. He is like Serge from the Beverly Hills Cop movies but on some really gay speed. The stereotype and Arklon bond over their common interest in "sacrificing virgins" and stress management. Lyranna loves the cool 80's fashions and dolls herself up in a rather garish neon blue sequined evening dress. Arklon comes away with a ginormous green suit jacket which, if anything, makes him look even more conspicuous.

Whilst our evil friends are trying their new duds on in the changing rooms, Jackie escapes and runs home to her fathers mansion. She quickly.hooks back up with Dar by springing him out of police custody as he had been arrested by the Fresh Prince of Bel Air's fat uncle. The pair of them go for a drive. Dar doesn't like the "carriage that moves without horsepower" but he seems over joyed when taught the word "asshole" which he happily shouts repeatedly. Rock n roll reminds Dar of an earthquake but he seems to warm to Jackie's lacey sub-Pat Benetar tunes (the song they're listening to is actually performed by Kari Wuhrer herself). Whilst they're driving around the LA streets they pass a cinema which is advertising "Beastmaster 2 - Through The Portal Of Time" on its billboard. Dar appears bemused by all this post modernism.

Meanwhile, Arklon has made friends with a drunk soldier in a strip club. He beats him up and steals all his knowledge along with "the secrets of the world" by looking at him and widening his eyes a little. He also steals his outfit. He heads straight to the local army base and breaks in using all this knowledge he has apparently stolen. He nabs a neutron bomb and escapes, dispatching of Lyranna once he has no more use for her. She is so pissed off that she tells him she hopes tarantulas grow in his mouth. The bomb looks oddly similar to a large paint tin. It is set to explode in thirty minutes so the police join forces with the army to try to find it. The army's senior bomb expert is clearly in the early stages of dementia, he just continually repeats the phrase "ca-blooey" to the bemused police officers.

Arklon tries to get back through the portal with the bomb, Dar stops him and the pair head for the city zoo. This is surely a stupid place to go if you're preparing for a fight with a man who can control animals. There is a showdown between the two brothers in the zoo's arena. For reasons best left unexplored Jackie runs to the control booth of the arena and turns on an automated light show and oral presentation. I understand that from a film making point of view the light show might of added a bit of atmospherics to the proceedings but watching two warriors fight whilst a commentator says things like "watch them frollick together" and "lets see if we can make them kiss" made the fight a bit of an anti climax. This anti-climax was heightened as Dar didn't use any of the zoo animals to help him despite the film being about a man who can control animals. Luckily this anti climax is quickly forgotten when Dar stands over the pit of fire he has just thrown Arklon into and says "asshole". The dementing bomb expert pops back up and manages to reset the neutron bomb with one second left on the clock, he continues with the "cablooey" nonsense throughout.

His mission complete and his brother slain, Dar returns to the portal and heads home to his crappy fantasy world but not before sucking face with Jackie and giving her his ferrets as a gift. One of the ferrets kisses Dar's eagle goodbye. Once back, Dar runs into Michael Berryman who, along with a number of other pilgrims, have started to worship the broken down porsche that Jackie left in their world. As Dar looks on, one of the pilgrims accidentally hits play on the stereo and before you know it the pilgrims are worshiping rock n roll instead, gently swaying with hands aloft as mid-tempo riff-age pukes its way out of the speakers.

As I said, I far prefer this movie to the original for all the wrong reasons but I would suggest that all of those who have written this off because of the differences between it and its predecessor should give it another chance. Its a good ride of a movie and never gets dull. Director, Tabet, had served as producer on the first movie and would go on to be involved with both Beastmaster 3 and a really shit Beastmaster TV series which will make you vomit so don't even go there. All the other entries to this series stick closely to the fantasy genre but I genuinely think that this one offers something a bit more interesting, if entirely unnecessary.

Also, one thing that I didn't mention was that this movie has THE shortest cop I have ever seen. I appreciate that this isn't much of a recommendation but the character of Bendowski, played by Robert Fieldsteel, (future "star" of 9 1/2 ninjas) cuts a hilarious figure every time he pops up on screen. This guys is literally two feet shorter than everybody around him and yet there is no reference to it, his character is a pretty run of the mill detective, even a little tough at times. Why did no one think this would look anything other than bizarre? The poor little bugger is dressed up in a comedy bow tie and fluff mustache ensemble and is even made to act most of his scenes next to man mountain, James Avery (Fresh Prince Of Bel Air). For god sakes, get the guy a fucking box to stand on.

Little Monsters

Little Monsters

1989

Dir; Richard Greenberg

"They cause all the trouble but you'll have all the fun"

The Savage family exploit all of their offspring to maximum effect in this enjoyable fun house of a movie.

This underrated little gem suffered from a limited cinema release when production company, Vestron Pictures went bankrupt shortly after its completion. The film was quickly forgotten about, not even gaining much of an audience through the home video market. That's a real shame because it's a genuinely enjoyable ride and a great deal of fun. Its a film that is so full of Savages you could be let off for thinking you had stumbled across a light hearted sequel to Cannibal Holocaust. Of course I'm talking about the savage family, not those dastardly jungle dwelling bastards. Here Fred takes the lead, whilst little brother Ben plays his, erm, little brother and big sister Kala pops up as one of the monsters. Mr and Mrs Savage must have been rubbing their hands together.

Fred Savage plays Brian, a miserable little fellow who hates living in his new town. He has no friends, his parents bicker incessantly, his Dad runs over his bike and he has a pushing fight with a fat child at school . He sits up at night eating peanut butter and onion sandwiches whilst watching a TV show called "All about chicks" in which a biker interviews a blonde bombshell in a bikini. Brian's little brother Eric, thinks that he has a monster under his bed and challenges Brian to swap rooms with him for one night. Despite not believing Eric's tall tale, Brian prepares for the challenge admirably. He turns his broken bike into a booby trap in a rather random slow motion montage and leaves a trail of crisps out to lead the monster to be snared.

Midway through the night Brian's booby trap, (which effectively turns the lights on if anyone eats his crisps), is set off and, low and behold the monster is real. His name is Maurice. He appears to be going through a manic phase of his bi-polar affective disorder, either that or he is performing an effective impersonation of Beetlejuice on crack. Maurice mixes a Marky Mark outfit with a mild punk aesthetic. He doesn't stop moving, talking, laughing or farting for a second whenever he is on screen. Maurice is portrayed by Howie Mandell who would later go on to gain much greater notoriety by growing a soul patch and prostituting his dignity as the presenter of the American version of Deal Or No Deal. He is clearly having infinitely more fun pulling boogers out of Fred Savages nose than he could possibly have opening boxes full of money. Every time he steps into shot Maurice is like a ticking time bomb of fun. He eats a battery and then worries that its going to give him constipation. He laughs after every sentence he or anyone else says. He paints a sleeping child's face and pulls a wad of gook out of his own ear with a cotton bud.

Maurice introduces Brian to an underworld which lays under all children's beds. He describes it as a place with no rules and no parents, where you can watch anything you like on TV and never get grounded. Sounds pretty awesome. Weirdly when they get down there it looks more like a crack house having an indoor fireworks display. It is full of a multitude of other monsters of all different shapes and sizes who, like Maurice, all seem to have a complete disregard for calm. Maurice takes Brian around the underworld, he shows him the local arcade, the password to open the door to the arcade is a fart. Maurice also shows Brian how to climb out from underneath other children's beds. Maurice likes to get these children in trouble with their parents and comes up with all sorts of weird and wonderful ways to do so. In the first bedroom they go to Maurice straddles a sleeping ginger child before putting muddy footprints all over his floor. They write "ca ca" on a girls bedroom wall and go to a school bully's house where they put cat food in his sandwich and piss in his apple juice.

The next night, Brian returns to the underworld for more fun. Maurice gives him a zit as a present and they play a weird game of baseball which involves "smashing shit". The ball gets hit into Snik's lair. Snik is the bully of the underworld, he looks like a really angry version of Meatloaf. Snik isn't happy that Brian has encroached on his personal space and appears to get even angrier when Brain turns down the fly he offers him as a snack. Luckily Maurice comes to the rescue and the pair go for another night out on the town. Brian likes Kiersten (Amber Baretto) a girl from school who always does her homework on time. Maurice takes him to her bedroom, turns his hand into a dog and eats her science project.

The next day Brian and Eric's parents sit them down and tell them that they are getting a divorce. Maurice tries to console him in as calm a manner as he can but his limbs still don't stop moving even during this touching scene. When nothing else works he invites Brian back down into the underworld. He tells him "pranks, snacks and games will take away the pain" which I think could be the entire basis for a new religion. Brian finds that he is starting to turn into one of the monsters and it is becoming difficult for him to get back to the real world. He panics and starts to saw the legs off of all the beds so that nothing can come or go through the portal to the underworld. His mother figures its just his way of dealing with the divorce.

When Snik finds out that Brian is not coming back to the underworld he gets angry with Maurice for telling him all of their secrets. Snik reports this to Boy (a pre-Pulp Fiction, Frank Whaley) who is the ruler of the underworld. Boy's head looks like a turd so he chooses to wear a mask made out of a human face. Strangely he also dons a public school boy suit jacket and shorts combination. Boy instructs Snik to bring Brian back so that he can never tell anyone about the underworld. To do this they kidnap both Maurice and little brother Eric. Brian puts together a small crack team of children to head down under the bed and save the day. Their only weapon against the monsters is bright light which makes them disappear into their clothes. The kids create some light bulb covered trouser suits and a super powered flash light to assist them in their mission.

The Kids hook back up with Maurice and make some pencils light up using some ridiculous pseudo science. They use their pencils and light bulb suits to blow up both Snik and Boy and save Eric who has been tied up to a huge dart board. The gang have to get out of the underworld before the sun comes up and Brian's calculator watch tells them that they don't have time to get back out under the bed in time. In a decision that laughs in the face of sensible narrative the kids decide to try to outrun time by heading from the east coast of America to the west coast of America so that they can make the most of the time difference. They run through the underworld, passing signs for all the major American cities as they go. Eventually they reach California with a few minutes to spare. They all climb out from underneath a tramps ramshackle bench bed but not before Brian and Maurice exchange an emotional farewell. Brian tells Maurice that he is his best and only friend, in return Maurice gives Brian his Marky Mark jacket. Brian wears it proudly. Now he's never going to make anymore friends.

As you may have picked up from the plot description this film is absolutely choc a block with nonsense. However, for the most part, it is glorious nonsense. The idea of a netherworld under every child's bed filled with brightly coloured monsters, no rules and every variation of fun imaginable should have caught every child's imagination in the same way that the Goonies or Back To The Future did in years just before this movie was made. Sadly it never became anywhere near as iconic as those pictures. Partly because it wasn't quite as slick and partly because of the distribution problems it suffered. Its a true shame. This would go on to be director Greenburg's only fiction film directing credit and was Fred Savages last big starring role (although, obviously he continued working in TV). I think if you haven't seen it you could do a lot worse than to check it out.

The cast is solid with decent performances from most of the adult actors (and an acceptable one from the middle Savage child). Future Home Alone evil doer, Daniel Stern, is solid as Brian and Eric's douche bag of a father and many of the monster performers ham it up to nice effect. But, without a doubt, Howie Mandell's performance as Maurice is the highlight of this movie. If there was a god (and this pretty much proves that there isn't) then Mandell would have been showered in awards for this performance. He is like a shot of heroin every time he appears on screen, chewing up and spitting out every other actor in his path and then taking a piss in their apple juice for good measure. You just wouldn't get away with a performance this outrageous and unhinged in a film today and that's a damn shame. This guy should fill his Deal Or No Deal money boxes with boogers, fart at his retarded audience and get back into movies immediately.

As I said, there are flaws, the most startling of which is, without doubt, the misjudged score. Insufferably emotive, pan pipe led orchestration saturates almost every scene. This could have been appropriate for a couple of the more emotional scenes but when a movie is specifically about a kid discovering a world of fun you surely want something a little bit more Huey Lewis and a whole lot less shit. On the few occasions that this drivel lets up we're treated to a little mid paced synth rock (courtesy of Nick Lowe and some unknowns) which is far more effective. There's also nice use of the Talking Heads, Road To Nowhere, at the climax of the movie. The only other flaws are moot points if you like trash cinema because they invariably riff on poorly explained plot developments. But do you really watch films like this and expect everything to make sense? No, and why? Because, as I'm sure Maurice would agree; there's no fun in sense is there.